I suddenly got up from a
frightful dream. It was 15th November 1977. We returned a few days ago
from Barrankula, a cyclone relief camp in Divi taluk. We went there in
knee-deep mud, lived in tents surrounded by corpses, eating just to
maintain the body. We spent nearly a couple of weeks. Bhagawan appeared
in dreams silently on 3 or 4 occasions. But after returning to
Visakhapatnam, melancholic thoughts haunted me. Even though I am
accustomed to go to hospital in a car for the past 18 to 19 years I felt
guilty of the same when thousands are not having any conveyance.
Similarly, I was hesitant to put on a "T" shirt, thinking that many of
my brethren are going half clad. The same is the case with food. On top
of this, scenes of dead bodies, collapsing huts etc. began appearing in
my dreams successively for 3 days and from one such dream I got up
suddenly.
I know
that I was suffering from 'reactive depressive psychosis'. I thought I
must have a consultation with a psychiatrist or write a letter to Swami.
I wrote to Bhagavan only on two occasions on purely official matters,
which forced on me while discharging the duties of a district President,
At that time I was working as Resident Medical Officer of one of the
two mental hospitals in the State and treating several people
counselling and administering drugs etc. As such I know swallowing a few
drugs will improve my mental state without much ado.
Suddenly I
went into a reverie: People are suffering from all sorts of miseries
from times immemorial. Is there no way out of it? Lord Buddha pondered
over it but not many were benefited out of his teachings. So is the case
with every religious preceptor. The golden kingdom promised by Jesus
has never appeared so far. Are they referring to a different plane of
consciousness? Bhagawan must answer my questions and also show a
solution. In all probability HE may not answer my letter. As it was my
previous experience, I may get the answer in a book or somebody may pick
a conversation with me without any relevance and answer all my doubts.
So I wanted the answer then and there, remembering that HE is ANTARYAMI
and not only Prasanthi-Nilayam-vihari.
Suddenly I
heard a clear inner voice ask¬ing me, 'About whom are you lamenting? On
whom are you relying to get the answers? And who are you'? Abruptly the
three groups - suffering humanity, God and myself—appeared before me
commandingly 'You know why all this misery is occurring'? I meekly said
'Yes, Bhagawan, because I feel instead of One, these three as different
entities'. 'So when will this misery disappear'? asked the Divine voice.
'When I feel that I am one with God and with all beings, and not
separate, then there is no more misery'. I could not help the feeling
that Bhagavan is making me answer my own questions, in a vivid manner.
All of a
sudden I remembered the sentences of Baba at Whitefield in the interview
room one day during 1970. On that memorable occasion HE emphasised that
the answers I am getting now and then are not emanating from my own
thought process but are revelations made directly by Him. With a
mischievous laughter, the voice asked me 'Is this all theoretical?' I
said 'No Baba, we are not able to maintain that non dualistic state
always and hence this suffering'. Absolute silence prevailed for some
time.
From that
very moment my depression vanished entirely and I could carry a new
sparkling energy for days thereafter. So, let us always be aware of HIS
presence within us, ready to give us unerring counsel, May HE bless us
all to become that ONE REALITY.
